Viewing entries tagged
Relationships

2 Comments

Why Do I Attract The Wrong Type & How Can I Change It?

hello Darlings, 

Today I want to start answering a few questions that I have been getting in my inbox. Today's topic is about how we often attract the "wrong type" (same person different face syndrome) and how we can change that. Love seems to be so complicated these days, and in a way I think it is and I don't want to pretend to answer this question exhaustively today. However, I'd like to open a discussion about it. 

First, I would like to say that many times I have not been in control of the people whom I attract. I could be in my ugliest disposition (in my opinion) after a wild workout, sweaty, my face pink because of the exercise and still manage to get a couple of whistles on my way out or a few invitations for a ride while I am jogging (creepy!). 

Here are some simple pointers that I have learned along the way. If you have a good one to share, please do so below in the comment section.

Stand at the right spot

In one of my favorite books, the author compares love to a bus ride. It's only logical to think that in order for us to get to our destination by bus we must wait for it at one of the bus stops along the designated route, right? You can wait all you want at a different bus stop but you will never encounter the bus you are waiting for until you position yourself on the correct route. 

This little analogy simply illustrates this: where are you meeting the people you meet? So many times we want to get different results while maintaining the same habits, which is not possible. Maybe it is time to surround ourselves with different people and start going to places that can bring us growth, fulfillment, and peace to see how our social circle will change. 

Sometimes, we are so set in our ways that even the smallest thing out of our comfort zone can be challenging. Yes, this may mean that you will have to trim some friends out of your life, to be the boring one that does not go the "hot spots" anymore. But today I challenge you to re-evaluate where you usually meet the same "wrong" people and start making different choices. 

Mixed signals

I started by saying that in many cases we are not responsible for who is attracted to us and why. However, that is not entirely true and let me explain why. It is important that our reputation, our intentions, and our behavior matches the kind of people we really are and hope to attract. If I am overly flirty to many people and don't seem to have standards, anyone will just feel like they can approach me, or worse, they might assume we will fall for them and take us for granted from the get go. 

On the other hand, experts are still trying to explain the whole concept of attraction and how even without trying, people will be attracted to specific people rather than others. This means that even when we send the right signals and position ourselves properly, we may still attract the wrong people which is why what we do with the attraction we feel or with the interest we know another person has, is and will always be our responsibility. Our words must align with our actions. Let's stop sending mixed signals, let's stand by our word and standards and live out what we say we want. For example: We can't pretend we just want to be friends while getting or giving the benefits of a GF/ BF or spouse. 

Let's have the courage to be selective with our words and actions, to take responsibility for the ones we choose to utter and not misguide others with our lack of integrity. Let's practice patience and let things unfold in a natural way, and allow time to reveal many things that we can't see if we hastily decide that the person I just met is my next GF/BF. 

Understanding you

I once met a young lady on a plane that shared her life story with me. I was surprised when she told me that after 7 years she had left the father of her kids because he was wrong for her but that she already was contemplating another relationship with a similar type of guy. In my head I was like "Really?!"  It was so obvious to me that this was NOT the right way to go about getting a new and  better relationship.  However, the more we talked, the more I realized that she had never spent time on her own since the beginning of her teenage years and did not know what life was without a significant other in her life. She simply did not know who she was or where she wanted to go in life.  

I can't help but think back to the scene in the movie

The Runaway Bride

, where a girl had lots of success with men, however she got famous for leaving them at the altar on the day of their wedding because she just seemed to not be able to go through with it. I like the scene in which a journalist starts investigating her behavior and realizes that she has always had her eggs in the morning the way her boyfriend at the time likes it. So when she is asked the simple question of how she likes her eggs, she is unable to respond and that simple question leads her on a journey of discovery (without any men in her life) and growth. 

You were created with a purpose and until you understand that, you may settle for anything really. Whether it be good or bad. 

♥ 

I remember that painful time in which I finally decided that it was time to regroup with myself and get to know me instead of trying to be the person others would like. That lead me to a more important question about my purpose in life. I chose to turn to my Creator for that and I am so glad I did. 

2 Comments

6 Comments

1 year of marriage | Some of what I learned



Hello Darlings!

I am the first one to admit that it is actually funny that my husband and I celebrated 1 year of marriage this Sunday, because to be honest, I was never the "have all your wedding planned out from childhood" kind of person. As a matter of fact, I ran from the idea and also from any conversation in which any of my mom's friends would try to marry off with their sons or other family member.
Being the free-spirit, independent and quirky person that I am, I honestly feel blessed and privileged to have met such an amazing (custom-made like I like to say) man to do life with. Later this week I will share our trip pictures, because I have probably just found one of my favorite spots on this Island, until than check out my Instagram for some snaps.
  
Here are some of the things I learned about love in this first year of marriage:

CHANGE. Yes, everyone said life was going to change but no one could predict that it would change this much for me. The change of last name is really the smallest change, considering that I moved to a tropical Island, I'm still in a transitional career path, I had to make new friends, learn new streets, find a new favorite coffee shop, etc As a result I see how I have grown, changed and adapted. Love does indeed change all of us and it is not always a bad thing. 

PROVISION. Many of our friends, that have been married for a little longer, often share stories of how broke they were when they started their own family but how happy they were. I am not sure if we had more or less than what they had when they started but in this year more than ever I have seen how we were miraculously able to pull from where we knew there was nothing to begin with. I can probably write a book sharing bizarre stories of how oil, detergent, garbage bags and other things have multiplied over the year and lasted us for an abnormal period of time.

BATHROOM SCHEDULES. Yes, love requires a bathroom schedule when sharing a tiny one. 

SHARE. When my husband shares his food, I've had to train myself to return the favor so we can both benefit from trying new food. You may not believe it but I just recently started doing it. I would get to the end of my plate and just forget to ask and he would just be waiting for me to offer (I am telling you, I married so well). Rest assured that I've gotten better. 


HABITS DON'T DIE. Yeah, no matter how optimistic we both were and still are about breaking certain habits, I am learning to accept that certain things just won't change. That my husband will always try to drink coke behind my back, will always change radio stations right in the middle of a great jam or eat my delicious left overs that I am secretly keeping to eat when he leaves so I can enjoy it over a chick flick all by myself.


VIDEO GAMES, SPORTS AND FAVORITE BLANKET are my husbands second wife and will always be my worst competition. 

BE THE FIRST. I have learned that it doesn't matter who apologizes first as long as we both strive to be the first one to do it. Humility and dying to our ego are defenitly not popular virtues in our society but I have seen how we are both winners when we both lose our pride. 

DATES AND DATE ATTIRE MATTERS. Working from home has slowly turned me into a "hobo" and I recently looked at my pajamas (uniform) that I never took off that day and wondered how I had spiraled down this low. So now, on dates, I have decided to not allow myself to look like a hot mess. I take a nice shower, put lipstick, try a new braided Pinterest hairstyle and dress cute for me (and my dignity) and obviously for "le hubby" as well. We have this habit in which he gets dressed in the next room, that way when we are ready, smelling good we come out and surprise one another. Like "oh hey gorgeous!"

We go out, turn off our cell phones (yeah right! we just stop using them), talk, laugh and explore new spots around this beautiful island that usually involve coffee, music, and great food among many other things. You can see some of our adventures here. I always took dates for granted until life started getting in the way and realized that it had to become non negotiable and it is. 
FUN. I knew it would be great to finally be together in the same location with my husband, but I never anticipated that I would laugh and constantly smile this much. My husband has a great sense of humor and even when we are tired and really busy he finds a way to make me laugh.

These pictures are part 1 of our little celebratory one year anniversary photo shoot, done by our amazing friend Valeria.

"Every good thing I have comes from you" (Psalm 16:2)

 


6 Comments

7 Comments

Love Chronicles | Maintain Long Distance Relationships


Hello Darlings,

Yes! Today we are doing it, we are talking LDR's (long distance relationships)! That is a topic that I am more familiar than I maybe would've liked because my husband and I were in a LDR for 2 1/2 years before we got married and moved to this beautiful island. Even now, I still try to nurture long distance relationships with my family and friends that are still left all over the places I have lived in the last few years. Be sure to join me on Monday for a LDR guide to girlfriends and family!

Being in a LDR is definitely not for everyone. Constantly being away from the people we love and relying almost solely on technology as a lifeline for constant communication is sometimes sad and slightly frustrating.

We had a little discussion over on Instagram about this topic and here is some of the fun stuff we came up with.

Room to breathe
Being far from each other sometimes gives time to focus on certain tasks (really stressful projects or school for example) and then really enjoy the special time spent together. I never really paid attention to this, but it was during those years that I was able to give myself completely to a very demanding job without any guilt. I would be in the office Facetiming while working really late on a project. It is also during that time that I did most of my traveling. We would call each other from Argentina, Venezuela, Peru or Chicago but never feeling like there was a difference in our separation because we kept the same rhythm of communication. Now, looking back, I can say that making the best of the situation by using your time wisely during this season can truly be beneficial in the long run.

Also, it goes without saying but... have a life. Make friends, engage in activities, hobbies and things that you enjoy so that you don't go crazy just being at home waiting for some type of sign or communication from your BF. 




Communicate
We texted, skyped (or FaceTimed) daily. We wrote emails, messages, occasional cards and hand-written letters during our courtship. On special occasions and on a "just because" occasions, I got little surprises delivered to my house, my office and hand delivered through my friends that acted as messengers. I think this is where people in LDR's really must get creative. Love makes you do crazy things and it is so important to constantly, throughout the day and week make your presence known. Not to be creepy or annoying but just to be "present". My love was not physically there but I never felt like he was too far emotionally. From the "good morning princess" text to the prayer and blessing he would give me at night before going to bed, even far apart, we created our own little traditions and fun ways to cope with the sadness of not being able to see each other for a few months at a time. 

I feel that since all we had was communication for most of our 2 year 1/2 relationship, our communication skills were and continue to be strong. However, we intentionally worked hard at it. This is, according to my opinion, what can potentially make or break a relationship; when you are able to keep your commitment to constant communication regardless of the distance, time change, poor reception or internet access. The truth is, the effort has to be made and as a couple you must find what works for you and do it constantly. 

Goodbyes
My husband and I joke about our perpetual "separation" anxiety attacks because of the trauma of all the times we had to leave each other. All the airports drop off, bus terminal hugs, hotel lobby embraces, passports, visas, airplanes, delays and long drives are all silent witnesses of our love story. The short times you get to spend together are so amazing that you just can't wait to do this forever, which is what we decided to do last May. But sometimes, the agony of not really knowing when it will be possible is rough, especially when you live in 2 different continents like some of my friends. 

We found that leaving letters, gifts, messages and even hidden gifts and surprises for the other person to find in the next hours after the separation helped. Now, with social media, it's really easy to document the special memories made in those short periods as opposed to other people that get to see each other all the time. 




Worthy of trust
Being away for special occasions, not being present on nights when you feel like going on a date or when your love is not there to simply chill, puts us in a vulnerable position whether we realize it or not. Here we are living our life, meeting interesting people that we can physically see and laugh with face to face on a regular basis. And yes, you will be tempted sometimes. I am not saying that you will set out to be downright unfaithful or that you will fall for it but you may allow yourself to spend more time with that "friend" that satisfies all the emotional needs your distant significant other can not fulfill at the moment. This is tricky to talk about but remember that this relationship is your choice, so be honest and be worthy of trust. Be transparent (which is why communication is super important). Sometimes this means sacrifice what is happening "now" for something greater later.

Obviously "le hubby" and I were in this relationship because we knew that we wanted to be serious about it. make sure that if you decide to put in all the effort that a long distance relationship takes, that you are both on the same page and desire to see it succeed. Are you in a long distance relationship? What advice would you give to people that are in a similar situation? 

One of my favorite movies concerning this topic is "Like Crazy", not because of the ending (sorry if I am spoiling it for anyone) but really just because I totally relate to their despair.  


7 Comments

11 Comments

Love chronicles | More than a ring, a life long commitment


hello Darlings,

First week of May! can you believe it? Though we are still in spring, summer is already in the air. We live on a tropical island so we benefit from the year long warm sand, beach picnics, salty air, popsicles and yummy tropical fruit.  However, for my husband and I May will always be special because it is our anniversary month. This year we will be celebrating our first year of marriage and what a wonderful adventure this has been!

To highlight the occasion I will be writing a 'love chronicle' attempting to address different questions I've gotten over the year after sharing our love story, and how we met.

Everyone loves a good love story. I remember the day my husband and I decided to post on social media that we were engaged, it felt like Facebook and Instagram were going to crash because of all the traffic and commotion it caused. I remember all the attention we got and the love that people expressed by supporting our union, wishing us well and spoiling us with gifts. If you haven't experienced this do not dispair; this post is not about that, you probably know someone around you that has.

My husband proposed on top of the Rockefeller (top of the Rock) in NYC, after singing and playing our song
in front of like 200 curious and excited tourists.

However, I am a bit concerned that we don't talk enough about the hard, day to day, life commitment that you are signing up for that is not so overtly expressed behind the overload of staged Instagram pictures (#engaged #Isaidyes #futuremrs) or the borderline spam, love-gushing statuses. While there's nothing wrong with expressing our love, I believe that the wedding industry, along with other things (yes television, music and Pinterest I am looking at you!) have sold us a dream that can not last unless we get our facts straight.

Love is a commitment and it is beautiful. I dated only one man, and now I am married to him and I know that I am more in love with him today than the day I said "I will" and "I do". Love is a commitment that does not crumble with absence, in presence of other options, with distance, when I get annoyed or when I am cranky because of stress, hunger of just because I need a nap. This kind of love is not blind, in other words it does not belong in a magazine but on your real life couch where you will snuggle or next to a hospital bed when going through sickness.

Darling, please before you look at your naked ring finger and vow to do anything (or to settle) in order to get one, think that you were not made to merely get attention but to know real, committed love. See the thing is, an engagement ring does not have magic powers; it will NOT fulfill any pre-existing lonelines problems, or quiet any insecurities. It will not make you whole or make you love yourself more. All those things MUST happen and will hopefully happen BEFORE the ring.

It takes courage to love, but it takes everything to first love ourselves the way God intended. Like an author once said: "It's not about ALL the attention proposals get, it's not about the ring or even the wedding plans. It is about a commitment for LIFE. Is that what you want? Or do you just want to be #engaged?"


And just as I said "Yes", it started raining really really hard. My husband and I jut stood there dancing in the rain.
We could not stop smiling.

"Unless the Lord builds a house,
    the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
    guarding it with sentries will do no good." (Psalm 127:1)



11 Comments