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Why Do I Attract The Wrong Type & How Can I Change It?

hello Darlings, 

Today I want to start answering a few questions that I have been getting in my inbox. Today's topic is about how we often attract the "wrong type" (same person different face syndrome) and how we can change that. Love seems to be so complicated these days, and in a way I think it is and I don't want to pretend to answer this question exhaustively today. However, I'd like to open a discussion about it. 

First, I would like to say that many times I have not been in control of the people whom I attract. I could be in my ugliest disposition (in my opinion) after a wild workout, sweaty, my face pink because of the exercise and still manage to get a couple of whistles on my way out or a few invitations for a ride while I am jogging (creepy!). 

Here are some simple pointers that I have learned along the way. If you have a good one to share, please do so below in the comment section.

Stand at the right spot

In one of my favorite books, the author compares love to a bus ride. It's only logical to think that in order for us to get to our destination by bus we must wait for it at one of the bus stops along the designated route, right? You can wait all you want at a different bus stop but you will never encounter the bus you are waiting for until you position yourself on the correct route. 

This little analogy simply illustrates this: where are you meeting the people you meet? So many times we want to get different results while maintaining the same habits, which is not possible. Maybe it is time to surround ourselves with different people and start going to places that can bring us growth, fulfillment, and peace to see how our social circle will change. 

Sometimes, we are so set in our ways that even the smallest thing out of our comfort zone can be challenging. Yes, this may mean that you will have to trim some friends out of your life, to be the boring one that does not go the "hot spots" anymore. But today I challenge you to re-evaluate where you usually meet the same "wrong" people and start making different choices. 

Mixed signals

I started by saying that in many cases we are not responsible for who is attracted to us and why. However, that is not entirely true and let me explain why. It is important that our reputation, our intentions, and our behavior matches the kind of people we really are and hope to attract. If I am overly flirty to many people and don't seem to have standards, anyone will just feel like they can approach me, or worse, they might assume we will fall for them and take us for granted from the get go. 

On the other hand, experts are still trying to explain the whole concept of attraction and how even without trying, people will be attracted to specific people rather than others. This means that even when we send the right signals and position ourselves properly, we may still attract the wrong people which is why what we do with the attraction we feel or with the interest we know another person has, is and will always be our responsibility. Our words must align with our actions. Let's stop sending mixed signals, let's stand by our word and standards and live out what we say we want. For example: We can't pretend we just want to be friends while getting or giving the benefits of a GF/ BF or spouse. 

Let's have the courage to be selective with our words and actions, to take responsibility for the ones we choose to utter and not misguide others with our lack of integrity. Let's practice patience and let things unfold in a natural way, and allow time to reveal many things that we can't see if we hastily decide that the person I just met is my next GF/BF. 

Understanding you

I once met a young lady on a plane that shared her life story with me. I was surprised when she told me that after 7 years she had left the father of her kids because he was wrong for her but that she already was contemplating another relationship with a similar type of guy. In my head I was like "Really?!"  It was so obvious to me that this was NOT the right way to go about getting a new and  better relationship.  However, the more we talked, the more I realized that she had never spent time on her own since the beginning of her teenage years and did not know what life was without a significant other in her life. She simply did not know who she was or where she wanted to go in life.  

I can't help but think back to the scene in the movie

The Runaway Bride

, where a girl had lots of success with men, however she got famous for leaving them at the altar on the day of their wedding because she just seemed to not be able to go through with it. I like the scene in which a journalist starts investigating her behavior and realizes that she has always had her eggs in the morning the way her boyfriend at the time likes it. So when she is asked the simple question of how she likes her eggs, she is unable to respond and that simple question leads her on a journey of discovery (without any men in her life) and growth. 

You were created with a purpose and until you understand that, you may settle for anything really. Whether it be good or bad. 


I remember that painful time in which I finally decided that it was time to regroup with myself and get to know me instead of trying to be the person others would like. That lead me to a more important question about my purpose in life. I chose to turn to my Creator for that and I am so glad I did. 



Love chronicles | More than a ring, a life long commitment

hello Darlings,

First week of May! can you believe it? Though we are still in spring, summer is already in the air. We live on a tropical island so we benefit from the year long warm sand, beach picnics, salty air, popsicles and yummy tropical fruit.  However, for my husband and I May will always be special because it is our anniversary month. This year we will be celebrating our first year of marriage and what a wonderful adventure this has been!

To highlight the occasion I will be writing a 'love chronicle' attempting to address different questions I've gotten over the year after sharing our love story, and how we met.

Everyone loves a good love story. I remember the day my husband and I decided to post on social media that we were engaged, it felt like Facebook and Instagram were going to crash because of all the traffic and commotion it caused. I remember all the attention we got and the love that people expressed by supporting our union, wishing us well and spoiling us with gifts. If you haven't experienced this do not dispair; this post is not about that, you probably know someone around you that has.

My husband proposed on top of the Rockefeller (top of the Rock) in NYC, after singing and playing our song
in front of like 200 curious and excited tourists.

However, I am a bit concerned that we don't talk enough about the hard, day to day, life commitment that you are signing up for that is not so overtly expressed behind the overload of staged Instagram pictures (#engaged #Isaidyes #futuremrs) or the borderline spam, love-gushing statuses. While there's nothing wrong with expressing our love, I believe that the wedding industry, along with other things (yes television, music and Pinterest I am looking at you!) have sold us a dream that can not last unless we get our facts straight.

Love is a commitment and it is beautiful. I dated only one man, and now I am married to him and I know that I am more in love with him today than the day I said "I will" and "I do". Love is a commitment that does not crumble with absence, in presence of other options, with distance, when I get annoyed or when I am cranky because of stress, hunger of just because I need a nap. This kind of love is not blind, in other words it does not belong in a magazine but on your real life couch where you will snuggle or next to a hospital bed when going through sickness.

Darling, please before you look at your naked ring finger and vow to do anything (or to settle) in order to get one, think that you were not made to merely get attention but to know real, committed love. See the thing is, an engagement ring does not have magic powers; it will NOT fulfill any pre-existing lonelines problems, or quiet any insecurities. It will not make you whole or make you love yourself more. All those things MUST happen and will hopefully happen BEFORE the ring.

It takes courage to love, but it takes everything to first love ourselves the way God intended. Like an author once said: "It's not about ALL the attention proposals get, it's not about the ring or even the wedding plans. It is about a commitment for LIFE. Is that what you want? Or do you just want to be #engaged?"

And just as I said "Yes", it started raining really really hard. My husband and I jut stood there dancing in the rain.
We could not stop smiling.

"Unless the Lord builds a house,
    the work of the builders is wasted.
Unless the Lord protects a city,
    guarding it with sentries will do no good." (Psalm 127:1)



(Part 2) Before running down the aisle, please leave baggage at the door

Today, I am excited to share part 2. Not because I am proud of my baggage or anything but mostly because I have received so many testimonies on how these words are speaking and challenging you. I thank God for this and give Him all the glory. If you have not read part 1, make sure you read it as well!

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Here is the BIG, fat load that I had to surrender at the cross. I have mentioned before that a good self esteem is the new sexy and I know that by personal experience. I had to learn that no matter how I feel when I wake up in the morning my value does not change.

On a previous post I wrote about how there are so many things fighting to make us forget how beautiful God made us. For some it is sexual abuse, for others the media or the size on the labels of their clothing but whatever it is, something or someone planted a seed of lie to kill your confidence.

Do not to attach your worth to mortal things because it is dangerous. Once the thing we attached our identity to dies or leaves, we are left devastated and disoriented. There is only one person who can truly and accurately tell me the degree of my beauty: GOD. This is because he made me and only he knows the time it took to form my awesome hair and my big personality. Please understand that it is not because people don’t see or appreciate your beauty that you are not beautiful. If your heart is hidden in God, you are His child; that is your identity. 

Being confident is not an act or a show. It is a reality that only a girl that has had the guts to be confronted with the truth and has left it all at the cross can enjoy. 

You are so loved. (Isaiah 49:16)

Get rid of the people you hate
 Yes. I myself had to meditate for a while on how I would get rid of the people that had badly hurt me. The answer that God gave was much unexpected. He showed me that the only real way to be free from the unwanted link that tied me to hurting memories from the past is FORGIVENESS. I know that when you’ve spent so much energy hating somebody that really deserves it, to have someone talk to you about forgiveness is almost insulting. 

God asks for us to forgive people that have hurt us for many reasons, but here are a few of my favorites.

1. Hate takes a lot of energy and is not stagnant. It actually grows and starts taking roots in our hearts. Before we know it, we will start talking like a bitter person and make decisions based on that one person from the past. The bible clearly says that from the abundance of the heart speaks the mouth (Luke 6:45).

2. Forgiveness will not give you a sudden episode of amnesia making you forget the wrongdoing, at least not immediately, but it will surely heal your memories. It will allow you to cut the memory link that is holding you hostage and tied to the very person you want to forget; it is like letting them go and giving your pain to God. 

3. Forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision that we make in obedience to God’s love and forgiveness to us. He gives us the divine power to carry out our choice to obey, and as a natural result, we are freed of the hurt the wound caused. The harsh truth is this: if we do not forgive, God will not forgive us (Matthew 6:15), no matter how good we are or think we are. We are all sinners, and as a result, we all need forgiveness. So, why would I want or expect God to forgive my faults if I am unwilling to forgive the faults of others? We often like to hold ourselves to different standards because we may feel that we are more righteous than others (I know I do many times). The truth is, we have all stood in the ‘guilty spot’ wishing someone would give us a second chance. Forgiveness does that.

You have to look at forgiveness like a double-sided band aid. In the sense that it has double action and both have to be accepted in order to fully benefit from it. First, like I mentioned before, we need to forgive others but we must also accept God’s forgiveness towards us and while forgiving ourselves. You no longer have to keep punishing yourself by getting into all the wrong relationships or by accepting abuse. You have to accept forgiveness because Jesus already paid the price and carried on Him all the punishment. Sounds crazy? Yes. That’s because we are so used to receiving punishment for our actions, but God is offering a different way. Take this second (third, fourth or as many as you need...) chance and walk FREE.

The  X   

Yeah. Now let’s talk about the ex-girlfriend or the stalkers that are constantly after the person you love. What do you want me to tell you? Take her by the hair and drag her to the nearest bathroom stall and drown her a bit? Nope. Not exactly what I had in mind, actually. 

This may be hard to swallow but your lover’s past makes Him who he is now. The twists and turns his/her life took, were part of their journey and God knew that when He brought him into your life. I have written about God’s desire to keep us from heartbreaks but not everyone’s experience is the same, and thankfully there’s hope. 

The way to get rid of your lover’s ex-girlfriend is love. I hear you! I sound hippie with all my love talk, especially that some ex’s are evil and immature. You may be mad that you read all the way here just for this but this is the liberating truth of Christ. Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). One of my mentors once told me that the best way to love an unlovable person is to start praying for them. Pray for that person that you don’t like or that you think you should not like and you will see how your heart will be healed and your perspective will change. At the end of the day what really counts is that your heart is clean and free to love. You know the world may expect you to be ‘all rude’ and have an attitude towards ex’s but Christ’s logic is always contrary to the world’s. 

On my road to the altar I learned that I can truly and sincerely love someone that everyone expects me to hate. Not with my own strength but as I strive to sincerely die to my flesh, I experience not only victory but healing, restoration, and supernatural love.

I am right most of the time…but not always

Ha! I am a choleric-phlegmatic with a dash of melancholic (my temperament combination) and this mix tends to have the natural gift of rapidly detecting a problem and just as fast, finding a solution. This is a blessing and also a curse in disguise because people with these temperaments, are often right (very often if you ask me). Other temperament mixes may resent ‘Cholerics’ because while they are still evaluating the situation, ‘cholerics’ have not only found the solution but are probably already lining people to execute their plan. 

Note: if you want to do a temperment Personality test here is a good one!

I had to learn that in my relationship I don’t always have to be right even when it’s obvious that I am. The Holy Spirit often holds my mouth and convicts me of my ‘I told you so’ mental speeches to people. Love is not about who is right or wrong (which really is a self-seeking satisfaction for our ego), but about serving each other in love. We are ALL on a journey, we are all (hopefully) better then we once were, but we are NOT perfect; we are on our way there.

The point is not to repress your personality or wish for a temperament transplant (like I once did) but to embrace our strengths and constantly bring our weaknesses to the feet of Jesus for grace to overcome and for forgiveness when needed.

I’ve met many young people that are still single (or not very happy in their relationship) because it is ‘their way or the highway’. They have set patterns to do everything and refuse to be flexible or to compromise when it comes to change. Stubbornness is not a virtue and God truly has a better way. Do not always fight to have it your way. Start evaluating where you could let others be right from time to time (even if it ends up being a complete mistake) it will stretch for growth. 

On my road to the altar I learned that love covers multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). Even my own.   

Bottom line

I wish I did not have to write this but I learned that my tantrums were only a reflection of why I was not ready to marry before I did. In other words, it was not until I accepted God’s help to be healed from my memories, for His love to quiet my insecurities and it wasn’t until I decided to grow up and handle conflicts like an adult, that I could truly enjoy God’s gift for me.