Today I want to start answering a few questions that I have been getting in my inbox. Today's topic is about how we often attract the "wrong type" (same person different face syndrome) and how we can change that. Love seems to be so complicated these days, and in a way I think it is and I don't want to pretend to answer this question exhaustively today. However, I'd like to open a discussion about it.
First, I would like to say that many times I have not been in control of the people whom I attract. I could be in my ugliest disposition (in my opinion) after a wild workout, sweaty, my face pink because of the exercise and still manage to get a couple of whistles on my way out or a few invitations for a ride while I am jogging (creepy!).
Here are some simple pointers that I have learned along the way. If you have a good one to share, please do so below in the comment section.
Stand at the right spot
In one of my favorite books, the author compares love to a bus ride. It's only logical to think that in order for us to get to our destination by bus we must wait for it at one of the bus stops along the designated route, right? You can wait all you want at a different bus stop but you will never encounter the bus you are waiting for until you position yourself on the correct route.
This little analogy simply illustrates this: where are you meeting the people you meet? So many times we want to get different results while maintaining the same habits, which is not possible. Maybe it is time to surround ourselves with different people and start going to places that can bring us growth, fulfillment, and peace to see how our social circle will change.
Sometimes, we are so set in our ways that even the smallest thing out of our comfort zone can be challenging. Yes, this may mean that you will have to trim some friends out of your life, to be the boring one that does not go the "hot spots" anymore. But today I challenge you to re-evaluate where you usually meet the same "wrong" people and start making different choices.
I started by saying that in many cases we are not responsible for who is attracted to us and why. However, that is not entirely true and let me explain why. It is important that our reputation, our intentions, and our behavior matches the kind of people we really are and hope to attract. If I am overly flirty to many people and don't seem to have standards, anyone will just feel like they can approach me, or worse, they might assume we will fall for them and take us for granted from the get go.
On the other hand, experts are still trying to explain the whole concept of attraction and how even without trying, people will be attracted to specific people rather than others. This means that even when we send the right signals and position ourselves properly, we may still attract the wrong people which is why what we do with the attraction we feel or with the interest we know another person has, is and will always be our responsibility. Our words must align with our actions. Let's stop sending mixed signals, let's stand by our word and standards and live out what we say we want. For example: We can't pretend we just want to be friends while getting or giving the benefits of a GF/ BF or spouse.
Let's have the courage to be selective with our words and actions, to take responsibility for the ones we choose to utter and not misguide others with our lack of integrity. Let's practice patience and let things unfold in a natural way, and allow time to reveal many things that we can't see if we hastily decide that the person I just met is my next GF/BF.
I once met a young lady on a plane that shared her life story with me. I was surprised when she told me that after 7 years she had left the father of her kids because he was wrong for her but that she already was contemplating another relationship with a similar type of guy. In my head I was like "Really?!" It was so obvious to me that this was NOT the right way to go about getting a new and better relationship. However, the more we talked, the more I realized that she had never spent time on her own since the beginning of her teenage years and did not know what life was without a significant other in her life. She simply did not know who she was or where she wanted to go in life.
I can't help but think back to the scene in the movie
The Runaway Bride
, where a girl had lots of success with men, however she got famous for leaving them at the altar on the day of their wedding because she just seemed to not be able to go through with it. I like the scene in which a journalist starts investigating her behavior and realizes that she has always had her eggs in the morning the way her boyfriend at the time likes it. So when she is asked the simple question of how she likes her eggs, she is unable to respond and that simple question leads her on a journey of discovery (without any men in her life) and growth.
You were created with a purpose and until you understand that, you may settle for anything really. Whether it be good or bad.
I remember that painful time in which I finally decided that it was time to regroup with myself and get to know me instead of trying to be the person others would like. That lead me to a more important question about my purpose in life. I chose to turn to my Creator for that and I am so glad I did.